The Aurumancer (A Swords and Wizardry/Old School Class)

While some look to draw their powers from gods or eldritch energies, the banking mages of Alt-St. Fran's pledged themselves to a higher power: wealth. What better way to distance yourself from the riff-raff than to kill them with your pocket book?

Prime Attribute: Intelligence 13+
Hit Dice: 1d6 per level
Armor: Cloth
Weapons: clubs, daggers, staves, and crossbows
Saving Throw: As magic user
Experience: As cleric
Attacks: As magic user with weapons, as fighter with Molten Gold

Molten Gold: The aurumancer can transmute golden coinage or treasure into streams of molten gold to attack enemies. Using this ability requires sacrificing 10 gp (or its equivalent in treasure), has a range of 30 ft, and deals 1d6 damage. For each level the aurumancer has above first, he or she can sacrifice an additional 10 gp to add +1 to the damage. Gold used in this manner is ruined by the attempt.

Like this, but, you know, out of a dude's hand.

  Armor of Wealth: For every 100 gp worth of jewelry an aurumancer wears his or her magics become more tangible, increasing their AC +1 (up to +6).

Mr. T is basically walking around in full plate at this point.

Aurumancer's Eye: At second level, the aurumancer can replace one of their eyes with a magicked golden ball in a ritual that costs 100 gp. This allows them to know anyone's wealth relative to theirs (poorer than me, richer than me, about the same) just by looking at them or a thing they handled within the last week.

Consume Wealth: At fifth level, the aurumancer gains the ability to consume rare and sought-for magic items to boost their personal power. Consuming a one-use magic item (such as a scroll or potion) grants +1d6 to one of their stats or hp for one hour. Consuming a permanent magic item instead gives them a permanent +1 (up to max). Consuming a magic item is an hour-long ritual with much wine drinking, pursing of lips, mustache-twitching, and harumphing.

Palace: At ninth level the aurumancer can create a palace of obnoxious wealth for themselves. This palace will  attract a host of guards, merchants and rich, cutthroat nobles loyal to the aurumancer (or at least, loyal to the aurumancer's bank account).

The Pianta--Shine Get!

"You saved me! Thanks a bundle!"-a derpy pineapple man

Piantas thrive in the tropical weather, in places with beaches, white sand, and palm trees. Although they prefered to be called piantas, outsiders sometimes refer to them as Pineapple Men, or more insensitively "Potatoes with Noses."

Piantas are squat humanoids with large, bulbous honkers. Their skin tones come in any color a Skittle does. These folk are unable to grow hair (with the exception of mustaches, which both the men and women are known to sport). Instead, each pianta has a symbiotic relationship with a small plant on its head, lovingly called a tree hat. A happy tree hat equals a happy pianta. Their typical garb is minimalistic, to allow maximum contact with sunshine, morning dew, and sea waves. They weigh about as much as a dwarf and age as humans.

Piantas feel emotions ten times more strongly than their human counterparts. While a halfling might stop to appreciate a sunny day, a pianta might break into dance or fall to the ground crying in awe at nature's beauty. This works for negative emotions too. Stepping on an elf's toe might result in a dirty look, but do so to a pianta and you're liable to have a child-like temper tantrum on your hands.

Like elves, treants, and fey, piantas feel a connection to the natural places of the world. Unlike these others races, however, piantas do not see civilization as a determent to them. They are drawn to create cities of plaster and canals in the world's beautiful vistas. As a result, pianta villages are often frequent tourist hotspots.

Welcome to our beautiful city! Don't spoil it, or we'll slap your shit.

Pianta Race Traits (Pathfinder)

• Ability Score: Piantas are strong and willful, but their strong personalities often come off as short-tempered or petty. They gain +2 Strength, +2 Wisdom, and -2 Charisma.
• Size: Piantas are Medium creatures.
• Type: Piantas are humanoids with the pianta subtype.
• Base Speed: Piantas have a base speed of 20 feet.
• Languages: Piantas begin play speaking Common and Pianta. Piantas with high Intelligence scroes can chose from the following: Aquan, Auran, Elven, Halfling, Ignan, Sylvan, or Terran.
• Emotional: Piantas recieve a -4 penalty to saving throws against spells or spell-like abilities with the (emotion) descriptor. In addition, whenever a pianta has any type of morale bonus, it receives a +2 racial bonus to all saving throws.
• Plant: As a full-round action, a pianta can plant itself into any type of loose ground (dirt, bog, sand=ok; stone, wood, metal=no). While planted, a pianta can take no actions except to dig itself up (a swift action), but gains the benefits of cover.
• Chuckster: Piantas are very good at throwing things. They receive Throw Anything as a bonus feat at first level.
• Sun, Wave, and Leaf: Piantas' connection with the natural world allows them to easily grasp certain types of magic. Sorcerer piantas with the aquatic, celestial, or verdant bloodlines treat their Charisma score as 2 higher for all sorcerer spells and class abilities. Cleric piantas with the water, sun, or plant domains use their domain powers and spells at +1 caster level. This trait does not give piantas early access to level-based powers; it only affects powers that they could already use without this trait.

Pianta Race Traits (Swords and Wizardry)

• Emotional: When making a saving throw against an emotion-based effect, a pianta must roll twice and take the worst result.
• Plant: A pianta may spend an action to bury itself in soft ground (dirt, bog, sand=ok; stone, wood, metal=no). While planted, a pianta can do nothing except unplant itself, but enemies treat its AC as 2 lower (or 2 higher if using ascending AC).
• Chuckster: Piantas receive +1 on attack rolls with thrown weapons.

 Pianta Race Traits (5th Edition--Sure, I'll give it a go)

• Ability Score Increase: Your Strength score increases by 2 and your Wisdom by 1.
• Size: Your size is Medium.
• Speed: You have a walking speed of 25 feet.
• Plant: You can spend an action to plant yourself into the ground. While in the ground, you can do nothing but unplant yourself (a move), but people attacking you have disadvantage.
• Chuckster: You have proficiency with all thrown weapons.
• Natural Ties: You have proficiency in the Nature skill.
• Emotional: You have disadvantage on any saving throw against an effect that manipulates your emotions. As long as your character can find something to be happy about, you can gain advantage on any one roll once per day.

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In case you haven't guessed, I've been playing a lot of Super Mario Sunshine lately.

Effects of the Magical Hookah Pipe

1 You can identify metals and alloys with a glance
2 Books speak to you. No longer have to read them, just ask them what they're about
3 Water tastes and looks like ale
4 Water tastes and looks like iron
5 You can speak with the recently dead
6 You can speak with the planar entity inside the hookah
7 Smoke steals your thoughts. Information can be shared by second-hand smoke
8 Takes you to an interplanar space inside the hookah. Is very plush and comfortable.

9 Takes you to an interplanar space inside the hookah. Is a minature Hell.

10 Exhaled smoke is dense and solid enough to stand on.

11 Hookah has multiple hoses. Smoking causes random body switches. 

12 Removes any negative mental ailments affecting you and traps them in the hookah. There is a 1/20 chance that the hookah instead curses you with all the ailments trapped inside.

Random Trolling Events

Roll a d20 for each day of trolling. On a 20, the crew catches something interesting.

1. Swordfish or sharks create minor holes in the nets

2. A treasure chest

3. A school of undead fish. Not powerful individually, but present in great number

4. Something tears through the net. Leaves water-proof apology

5. Nets become extremely entangled. Needs several hours of work to fix

6. Horse-sized mounds of rotting flesh. Lingering stench prevents any catches for several days

7. A fish with metal scales and a human face. Can answer any question about a random topic, such as horticulture or fashion

8. 1d6 water-tight barrels of 

     1. Wool

     2. Tobacco

     3. Salt

     4. Hardtack

     5. Dead ship rats

     6. Sulfuric smoke from Hell

9. Pieces of the king's personal ship

10. The king himself. Has no idea how he got in this situation

11. Mauve and ivory driftwood. Might be useful for wards or wands

12. A massive vertebra

13. 100 sets of sailors' clothes

14. A library of water-logged books

15. A flock of dead albatrosses. One was bad enough...

16. The remains of of a sail-wizard's potion stock. 1d6 random potions

17. A group of merfolk. Probably unhappy

18. A marlin made of dreams and mirrors

19. The current macguffin, stuck through a fish

20. Roll twice. Take both or your choice, I don't care

If you had asked me this morning if this table would ever be used, I'd say no. But today I found myself lost at sea and desperate for food and interesting encounters.