Dungeon Train to Hell

After the successful creation of a perfume that mimicked the pheromones of a queen crystal ant, Quethbern the Perfumer set her ambitions and talents to replicating the results with devils. Of course, before she could try the perfume, she'd need to a test devil. She was able to find a lone imp named Shwile. The pheromones were an utter failure, but seeing a chance for a diabolical prank, the imp pretended to be under Quethbern's influence. So with Shwile's advice, Quethbern created a drill mounted to a steam train endlessly going in circles in order to drill into Hell and gain access to its immortal armies. A truly, truly, brilliant idea.

The Train Set-up
Quethbern's train has the locomotive and nine additional cars. The tracks are circular, and just long enough so that way the locomotive constantly follows just a few feet away from the caboose. Each of the cars has a door on the inside of the circle and the outside. The drill itself hangs from three heavy metal bars suspended between  the locomotive, the kitchen car, and the library car. The drill relies on the train's constant circular movement to bore downwards.

Getting on the Train
Most of the car doors are open, so characters can just get on or off where they please. Only the doors to car 2 and 4 are shut. Since the train is constantly moving, getting on is a test in itself, and jumping into one of the cars should probably involve a Dexterity check. If a character fails the check, they then must make a save. A failure on this save means the character trips and falls onto the rails, potentially resulting in dismemberment by train wheel. Roll a d10.

1-3 Train runs over small body part (fingers, toes, ear). 1d6 damage.
4-7 Train runs over hand or foot. Severed and 2d6 damage.
8-9 Train runs over arm or leg. Severed and 3d6 damage.
10 Train runs over torso. Death.

There's small doors on each ends of each car, so characters and npcs can move from one to another.

Note the crocs. The crocs are very important.
Crystal Ants
Crystal ants (HD 1, AC chain, flail 1d6, bite 1d3 plus poison, take half damage from slashing or piercing) usually dwell underneath the earth, gathering gems and reproducing. Their bite has a poison which, on a failed save, crystallizes a limb. They're usually pretty cool dudes (if a little dorky), but follow the orders of their queen unerringly. The crystal that makes up their body is the color of frozen sewage and is littered with way too many organs, but 1d100 gp worth of salvageable gems can be taken from their corpses.

Into the Dungeon Train
1) Locomotive This car contains Old Dave, Quethbern's apprentice. Old Dave (HD 0, AC cloth) is ten years old, and his biggest perfumer accomplishment so far is cutting off his long, black hair and alchemically gluing it to his face. Old Dave is frantically shoveling coal from the interdimensional coal chute into the furnace. Usually Quethbern has two medicated apes do this work, but Old Dave forgot to give them their tranquilizers this morning and now they're running amok. Old Dave has two small diamonds he's found in the chute and is willing to give them to anyone who can bring the apes back before his master finds out.

2) Diabolical scrying mirror The door facing the outside of the train circle here is closed, and on it hangs an unadorned mirror facing towards the drill. Several dead crystal ants lie in the center, and the walls are covered in diabolical symbols. Shwile told Quethbern that this ritual would infuse the train with the energies of Hell to make it dig faster, but in actuality, it merely allowed Shwile's master, the pit fiend Goredosh, to scry through the mirror. Goredosh finds the whole procedure hysterical, and watches it like a bad reality tv show. If the PCs pass through and make it apparent that they're not with Quethbern, Goredosh might contact them in the hopes of creating more entertainment.

3) Cage car This car contains two cages, one big and one small. The bigger cage takes up most of the car and is where the apes are kept when they are not working. It is currently empty. The smaller cage contains Shwile. While she thought the prank was funny at first, Shwile didn't realize that it would mean being caged up for weeks on end. She'd be willing to aid any outsiders who might shake up the status quo (or at least open her cage).

4) Perfume lab All of the doors to this car are shut and barred. This is the train's perfume lab, and Quethbern (HD 4, AC leather, dagger 1d4, magical perfumes prepared: charm person, sleep, hold person) has spent the last few days locked inside, creating additional batches of her devil pheromone. This room contains her lab equipment (100 gp, very heavy and very fragile), a multitude of flowering plants, and a small hammock. The equipment contains, among mundane items, two potions of healing, one potion of crystal ant queen pheromone (lasts for 24 hours), seven potions of devil pheromone (useless), a potion of finger growth (grows fingers to two feet long; useful for collecting dangerous plant specimens), three vials of poison ivy sap, and a sapphire-encrusted silver chalice with a blade for a stem.

5) Kitchen This car serves as the kitchen where the crystal ants prepare meals for Quethbern and Old Dave. One of the loose apes climbed into the kitchen and wrecked it before the crystal ants were able to chase it off. Two 4-oz canisters of chocolate mate tea (20 gp a piece) and two sets of fine silverware (15 gp total) lie on the floor. The three crystal ant chefs (no flails) are still inside, trying to clean up the mess.

6) Dining and sleep quarters Quethbern and Old Dave sleep and take their meals in this car. It contains a barrel, two chairs, and two beds. Under one of the beds is a sack containing 253 gold and a small silver pendant (50 gold). Under the pillow of the other bed are several letters from Old Dave's loving parents. On the wall contains a certificate proclaiming Quethbern to be a member of Alt-St. Fran's Perfumery Guild. A crystal ant stands guard.

7) Guard car Four men with dachshunds for heads (Entire dachshunds. HD 1, AC chain, club 1d6+1, loyal but dumb, easily befriended with meat) guard this car. Quethbern bought them from a vivisectionist friend.she  trained them to sit in this car and fire crossbows at anyone who tried to enter the train from the outside. They performed this job admirably, but are not bright enough to reload the crossbows, so they are forced to point the crossbows, waggle clubs, and bark at anyone as the train goes by.


8) Library Quethbern's alchemical library is currently the nest for the two escaped apes. They've trashed the place, but are quite fond of it. They particularly like grabbing heavy books, climbing on to the steel beams supporting the drill, and throwing them at the crystal ants camped in area 11. What little is left of the books contains the information to make any of her concoctions, and would be worth about 500 gp to a perfumer rival.

9) Drying car Quethbern uses this car to dry the key ingredient for her devil pheromone perfume, Baphomet's Cap. This fungus releases spores which cause chronic eye bleeding on a failed save. They hang in knots from the ceiling all throughout this car. Quethbern will leave them here until all the spores are gone.

10) Food storage Dry food is stored in large barrels in this car. An uninvited hobo named Funman (HD1, AC leather, shiv 1d4) is currently flopping here. His face is covered in dry blood from area 9. He's not looking for trouble, and pretends to not see anyone who enters the car. If he's treated well he might tell of his knowledge of the train (areas 10-7), share some of his iron pork and beans rations, or work as a hireling for the party. Area 1 is close enough to the back of this car that a character could jump to it.

11) Crystal ant camp Crystal ants not on duty make camp around the drill here inside the train circle. Each one has a shoulder-width diameter hole as a bed of which they are very protective. The ants are much more likely to be friendly here, since their orders are to guard the train and they're not technically in the train. Ten ants are usually off duty at any given time.

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